The Missing Skill in the Age of Slack and Zoom
Why healthy discomfort, communication, and psychological safety matter more than ever
by Tess Brigham
This article expands on a recent episode of The Gen Mess with Tess, where I explore generational differences, communication, and psychological safety in modern workplaces.
Just a few days ago something quietly radical happened in two very different American cities. San Francisco, California and Abilene, Texas were linked through a social experiment called “The Party Line.”
In San Francisco, a bright red pay phone was installed on Valencia Street in the Mission District. It was labeled “Call a Republican.” In Abilene, Texas, a bright blue pay phone was installed downtown. It was labeled “Call a Democrat.”
When someone picked up the receiver in one city, the phone in the other automatically rang. If the person on the other side picked up, the two strangers were connected instantly. No usernames. No profiles. No algorithm deciding who you should talk to. Just a human voice on the other end of a phone line.
The project was created by a tech startup called Matter Neuroscience and the goal was not to convert someone politically. The goal is to reduce polarization and increase happiness through direct conversation by focusing on shared humanity rather than political conflict.
And what’s fascinating is that many of the conversations people reported were not especially political. They talked about sourdough baking, weather, their families, their jobs. Politics came up sometimes, but often the calls were simply two people talking about life. Which might be the most important part. It’s hard to demonize someone once they become a voice rather than an internet stereotype.
Why Healthy Discomfort Matters
As a therapist working with individuals and teams I don’t believe we fully understand what algorithm-driven living is doing to us yet. We are constantly being fed more of what we already agree with, more of what we already “like,” more outrage and content that triggers us in predictable ways. And the problem is not having strong beliefs or values. The problem is what happens when we are constantly reinforced by the same emotional storyline.
Over time, disagreement stops feeling like disagreement. It starts to feel like danger. That is the psychological trap. It doesn’t just shape opinions. It shapes identity. Beliefs become “who I am,” not just “what I think.” And once beliefs become identity, conversation becomes a threat.
So instead of conversation, we default to judgment. We label people quickly and reduce them into one-dimensional villains. Outrage feels powerful. It feels righteous. Discomfort and nuance are harder, especially in a world where most people are already stressed out.
What “The Party Line” forces people to do is slow down. There’s no audience, no likes, no reward for humiliation. It’s just you, another person, and a conversation.
And that brings us to one of the most important psychological takeaways: connection requires discomfort.
Healthy vs Unhealthy Discomfort
If we are going to talk about discomfort, we have to make a crucial distinction. There is healthy discomfort and unhealthy discomfort.
Healthy discomfort is the feeling of growth. It shows up when you are stretching a skill, practicing a new way of communicating, hearing feedback you did not love, or sitting with someone else’s perspective without needing to defeat it. Healthy discomfort feels awkward, vulnerable, unfamiliar, and sometimes emotionally exposing, but it does not feel dangerous.
Unhealthy discomfort is your nervous system telling you that something is off. This is the kind of discomfort you feel when you are being dismissed, mocked, manipulated, threatened, or emotionally punished. This is the discomfort of walking on eggshells. It’s the discomfort of being shamed for having feelings. It’s the discomfort of psychological unsafety.
Neither is healthy. A strong culture can tolerate healthy discomfort, but it does not tolerate harm.
Here are a few signs you are dealing with unhealthy discomfort at work:
You feel fear before speaking.
You feel punished for being honest.
People use humiliation, sarcasm, or intimidation.
Mistakes are treated as character flaws.
There is gossip instead of direct conversation.
There is retaliation when someone gives feedback.
Healthy discomfort looks different:
There is tension, but also respect.
People can disagree without attacking.
Feedback is specific, not shaming.
People feel safe enough to repair and try again.
Difficult conversations happen, but they do not turn cruel.
Why This Matters in the Workplace (and with Generations)
“The Party Line” is an excellent metaphor for what workplaces need right now. Workplaces are full of “opposites.” Different generations, different values, different communication styles, different definitions of respect.
Boomers were often taught to tolerate discomfort by pushing through and minimizing needs.
Gen X learned discomfort is inevitable and you should handle it yourself.
Millennials often tolerate discomfort through over-functioning, people-pleasing, and burnout.
Gen Z has high mental health awareness and often questions unnecessary discomfort, but may sometimes interpret discomfort as harm.
This means generational conflict isn’t a moral failure. It’s about different historical conditioning and different assumptions about safety.
Here are 3 ways to help you and your team sit in healthy discomfort:
1) Normalize “Hard Conversations” as a Skill, Not a Crisis
Most teams treat conflict like an emergency. If you want a team that can handle pressure, you have to teach them that discomfort is part of growth.
Try this instead:
Teach a shared language: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, but I want to stay connected.”
Build in a pause option: “Can we take 10 minutes and come back to this?”
Reinforce respect: “We can disagree without being cruel.”
Praise courageous communication, even when it’s messy.
2) Teach the Difference Between Boundaries and Avoidance
Many people believe they are setting boundaries when they are actually avoiding them. Boundaries are not about controlling others. They are about protecting safety while staying in the relationship.
Try these phrases instead:
Boundary: “I can talk about this, but not while we’re raising our voices.”
Avoidance: “I’m done talking about it forever.”
Boundary: “I’m open to feedback, but please be specific.”
Avoidance: “You’re too intense, so I’m shutting down.”
Build a Culture of Repair (Not Perfection)
A lot of people are not afraid of feedback. They are afraid of being shamed. Psychological safety isn’t created by never having tension. It is created when people trust that tension can be repaired.
Try these phrases instead:
Normalize ownership: “That came out wrong. Let me try again.”
Model accountability as a leader: “I missed your point earlier, I’m listening now.”
Encourage clarification instead of assumptions: “Can you say more about what you meant?”
Create post-conflict rituals: “Are we okay? Anything we need to clear?”
The Bottom Line
I genuinely love that someone put two pay phones in the world and said, “Pick up the receiver. Call the other side.” Not to fight. Not to destroy. Just to remember.
To remember that the person on the other end is human.
And that you are too.
In a world where algorithms are training us to harden, to perform, and to reduce each other into categories, the ability to sit in discomfort may be one of the most important skills we can reclaim.
Not all discomfort is healthy. But healthy discomfort is the doorway to connection. And connection is how cultures heal.
If this resonated, listen to the full podcast Ep 45: Why Discomfort Is a Missing Skill in Today’s Workplace.
