Managing a Manager Who Doesn’t Feel Safe

You’re Not Too Sensitive. Your Workplace Isn’t Safe
Gen X Survived It. Gen Z Is Questioning It.

by Tess Brigham

This article expands on a recent episode of The Gen Mess with Tess, where I explore generational differences, communication, and psychological safety in modern workplaces.

For most of my early career, we did not have language for psychological safety. We had language for “tough bosses.” We had language for “paying your dues.” We had language for “that’s just how it is.”

I am a Gen Xer. When I was coming up, the advice was simple. Keep your head down. Do good work. Do not take it personally. If it gets unbearable, find another job. Endure until you can escape.

There was an unspoken belief that suffering was part of the path. That humiliation built character. That if you could survive a difficult boss, you were strong enough for the next level.

I worked in Hollywood early in my career. In that world, it was common to be yelled at, berated, or treated like you were replaceable. As an assistant, your job was to keep a hundred balls in the air at once. The work was not intellectually impossible, but it required precision, speed, and constant emotional regulation. And if you kept ninety nine balls in the air and dropped one, that one mistake could define your entire day.

There was a belief that this was how you learned. That being screamed at was character building. That it “toughened you up.” That it was part of paying your dues.

But here is the thing. You are already paying your dues when you are doing the grunt work. You are already paying your dues when you are at the bottom of the hierarchy. You are already paying your dues when you are making less money and carrying more tasks. You should not also have to endure psychological warfare to prove your worth.

Just because something was normalized does not mean it was healthy.

Today we have better language. Thanks to the research of Amy Edmondson at Harvard Business School, we have a clear definition of psychological safety. She defines it as a shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal risk taking. She describes it as a climate where people feel able to speak up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes without fear of punishment or humiliation.

Psychological safety is not about being nice. It is not about lowering standards. It is about creating the conditions for candor and learning. Edmondson has been clear that high standards and psychological safety are not opposites. In fact, they work best together. When people feel safe to admit mistakes and ask questions, performance improves.

Psychological safety does not mean comfort. It means predictability and respect. It means that if you make a mistake, you are corrected, not humiliated. It means you can say, “I do not understand,” and receive guidance instead of ridicule.

When that is missing, your nervous system knows.

Working under someone who is unpredictable, shaming, dismissive, or retaliatory activates your stress response. Your brain interprets social humiliation as threat. Your amygdala activates. Your body braces. You may notice your heart racing before meetings. You may freeze when asked a question you know the answer to. You may replay interactions at night, analyzing every word.

This is biology. Our brains are wired to protect us from social rejection. If you feel anxious every time you have a one on one with your manager, that is data. Your system does not feel safe.

For younger employees, this can be especially destabilizing. If you are Gen Z, you entered the workforce during a time of global uncertainty. You grew up with language around mental health and accountability. So when leadership feels chaotic or shaming, it does not just feel difficult. It feels misaligned with your values.

If you are a Millennial, you may have internalized the belief that your worth is tied to productivity. Under an unsafe boss, you over function. You stay late. You over-prepare. You blame yourself first. If you are Gen X, you may minimize and endure. You may tell yourself this is just how it works. But endurance without safety can quietly erode self trust. Different generations respond differently, but the impact of chronic unsafety is universal.

So what do you do if you cannot simply walk away?

1) Contain the situation. 

Stop trying to change your manager. Study them. What triggers them? What do they reward? What stresses them out? When you map their patterns, you reduce unpredictability. And unpredictability fuels anxiety. This is not about becoming someone else. It is about becoming observant and strategic.

2) Reduce ambiguity. 

After meetings, send recap emails. Clarify deadlines. Ask directly, “What does success look like for you on this project?” When expectations are documented, it becomes harder for standards to shift without acknowledgment. Documentation is not dramatic. It is protective.

3) Find psychological safety elsewhere. 

If your manager cannot provide it, find it in a mentor, a peer, or a therapist. You need at least one space where you can reality test your experience. Isolation amplifies shame.

4) Create emotional boundaries. 

You do not owe an unsafe environment your vulnerability. Vulnerability works when it is met with respect and in an unsafe space, it can be dismissed or misused. That does not mean you become cold. It means you become discerning.

You can be warm and professional without oversharing. You can acknowledge a mistake without unpacking your insecurities. You can do your job well without offering access to your inner world. Strategic self disclosure is not inauthentic. It is wise. It recognizes that trust is built over time and that not every workplace is a safe container for your emotions.

Emotional boundaries protect your energy. They remind you that your role is to perform your job, not to manage your boss’s mood or fix the culture. You can be engaged without being exposed. And in an unsafe environment, that distinction matters.

5) Protect your identity. 

When criticism is constant or unpredictable, you may start to internalize it. You might start thinking, “Maybe I am not cut out for this?” or “Maybe I am too sensitive?” Separate how your manager is treating you from how you see yourself. A mistake is behavior in context. It’s not a definition of who you are.

Consider keeping a “reality file” or a “bad-ass list” whatever you want to call it. Start saving all of your positive emails, glowing reviews, the moments when you were trusted. When your next shame spirals begins, you’ll not be able to access those memories clearly. Seeing evidence helps ground you.

It is also important to distinguish between discomfort and harm. Growth often feels uncomfortable. High expectations can stretch you. Psychological safety does not eliminate accountability. But if you are shrinking week by week, if you are being publicly humiliated, if you are retaliated against for speaking up, that is not being challenged in a healthy way. 

If you are working for a manager who does not feel safe, you have options. You can adapt strategically while you build skills. You can escalate if your organization has appropriate channels. Or you can exit intentionally when you are ready.

What you do not have to do is assume that their behavior defines your worth.

Psychological safety is not a luxury. It is a foundation for learning and performance. And just because previous generations survived without the language does not mean you have to accept unnecessary suffering as the cost of growth.