When Success Stops Being About Winning

by Tess Brigham

This article expands on a recent episode of The Gen Mess with Tess, where I explore generational differences, communication, and psychological safety in modern workplaces.

There is a moment many high achievers hit that no one really prepares them for. It is the moment when the thing they love slowly becomes the thing that defines them.

At first this feels like success. Recognition grows, opportunities increase, and the world begins to pay attention. But psychologically something subtle can happen. The activity itself begins to carry the weight of proving who you are.

Two very different stories illustrate this dynamic in a powerful way.

One comes from elite figure skating. The other from a reality television design competition.

Alysa Liu was a prodigy in figure skating. At thirteen years old she became the youngest U.S. national champion in decades and quickly became one of the most talked about athletes in the sport. Her technical skill and confidence on the ice made her stand out immediately.

But when someone rises that quickly, expectations arrive just as fast. The spotlight intensifies, commentary grows louder, and every performance begins to feel like evidence of whether you deserve to be there.

Over time the relationship to the activity can shift. What once felt joyful can start to feel like you’re constantly being judged.

Eventually Alysa stepped away from competitive skating while she was still very young and still incredibly successful. When she returned later, the conversation around her mindset had changed. She spoke about enjoying skating again and reconnecting with the experience of being on the ice rather than carrying the pressure of constant expectations.

With that shift she ended up performing at an incredibly high level and winning gold.

A very different version of this same dynamic appeared on Season 16 of Project Runway.

Designer Kentaro Kameyama made it to the final runway show, which is the moment every contestant is working toward all season. Before the finale, the judges review each designer’s collection and give feedback that often shapes their final decisions.

Kentaro’s feedback was not particularly encouraging. The judges did not fully understand what he was trying to communicate through his designs. In competitions like this, that kind of response usually causes contestants to panic and start redesigning their collections to align with the judges’ preferences.

Kentaro had a different reaction. He listened to the feedback and came to a quiet conclusion that he probably was not going to win anyway. Instead of trying to adjust everything to please the judges, he leaned further into his own perspective and created the collection he believed in.

That collection ultimately won the entire season.

What makes both of these stories interesting is that the turning point was not talent or skill. Both individuals already had that. The turning point was psychological.

They stopped performing primarily for approval.

This is something many high achievers struggle with, particularly early in their careers. Most people grow up in systems where their performance is constantly measured. Grades determine opportunities. Evaluations determine advancement. Recognition reinforces the idea that outcomes reflect personal value.

Over time it becomes easy to internalize a simple equation: if I succeed, I am doing well as a person. If I fail, something is wrong with me.

When identity becomes tied to performance in that way, pressure increases and clarity decreases. The nervous system begins protecting against failure rather than engaging with the work itself. Creativity narrows, risk taking decreases, and decision making becomes cautious.

Ironically this is often when people stop doing the work that made them successful in the first place.

What changed for both Alysa Liu and Kentaro Kameyama was their relationship to the outcome. In different ways, they stepped outside of the identity trap. Skating was no longer responsible for defining Alysa’s worth, and the judges’ approval was no longer defining Kentaro’s direction.

When that pressure lifted, their work became freer and more expressive.

This pattern shows up frequently in careers as well. People often produce their strongest work when they reconnect with the process instead of focusing exclusively on proving themselves.

For younger professionals in particular, this can be difficult. Many entered adulthood in environments where nearly everything was measured, compared, or publicly visible. Academic competition, internships, metrics, and even social media can reinforce the sense that performance is always being judged.

That environment makes it easy to believe that every decision carries enormous stakes. But sustainable success rarely works that way. Most meaningful careers are built when people gradually shift their focus from proving themselves to engaging deeply with the work itself.

How to Shift Your Mindset

If you find yourself caught in that tension, here are a few ways to start shifting your mindset:

1. Separate your identity from your performance

Your job, your title, or your latest success does not define your worth. When identity becomes tied to outcomes, every challenge feels threatening. When you create a little distance between who you are and how something turns out, it becomes easier to think clearly, learn, and improve.

2. Focus on building skill rather than managing perception

It is tempting to spend energy trying to anticipate what others want to see from you. While feedback matters, long term success comes from developing real ability and perspective. Skill compounds over time, while constant image management usually creates anxiety and second guessing.

3. Pay attention to where you feel genuine engagement

Not every task will be exciting, but there is usually a difference between work that drains you and work that pulls your attention in. When you notice curiosity or interest, that is often a signal that you are operating closer to your strengths.

4. Allow room for experimentation

When everything feels like a test, people become overly cautious. Some of the most valuable professional growth happens when you try ideas, learn from mistakes, and refine your approach. Progress requires a certain level of psychological safety with yourself.

5. Reconnect with why you started

Many people choose a path because something about it sparks interest or meaning. Over time pressure and comparison can bury that original motivation. Taking time to revisit what drew you in can help restore a healthier relationship with the work.

The lesson from Alysa Liu and Kentaro Kameyama is not that outcomes are irrelevant. Results still matter, and effort still matters. What these stories highlight is that the path to strong outcomes often changes when people stop letting success define their identity. When individuals reconnect with the work itself, performance frequently improves as a byproduct.

In other words, success is not always about pushing harder. Sometimes it comes from returning to the reason you cared in the first place.